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The family and its influence on you.

by Agata Dzierżawa
The family and its influence on you is a picture showing a tree combined with symbols representing a crown, heart, eye, weight, dog.

Each soul, as you know, is part of one great whole and is one with everything that exists. The appearance of a new soul on the physical plane of existence means anchoring it on the physical plane (Low Self) while not cutting off its bond with the Source of all that is (Higher Self). The existence of these bonds defines its place in the structure of the universe, as well as the relationship with all its manifestations.

In this article you will learn:

  • What the basic system of relationships between people is.
  • What factors affect the system.
  • How to restore balance to this system.

This physical anchoring is accomplished through the bond with Mother Earth. It manifests itself through the formation – usually already in the prenatal period, of a bond between you and your biological mother. It is a kind of basic and primal bond of every human being. The bond that defines every other bond and relationship you have in your life. It connects you with the physical world.

Another equally important bond is the connection of the soul with the Source of all that is, manifested in the physical plane through the bond between you and your father, which is formed during early childhood. These basic ties shape the entire order of the universe and place you in its structure.

This is how the emotional relationship between you and your parents shapes your whole life and all the experiences that come to you.

But what is this bond?

It’s a kind of hard to measure or test force that pulls you to one another and binds you together. Love flowing from the Source of all that exists to the final, physical expression of that Source. This bond affects your entire later life.

The relationship between mom and dad is therefore crucial to the emotional development of a child and its personality. Each disturbance of these bonds has a negative impact on the shaping of the child’s psyche and causes disturbances in its functioning.

However, your ties with your parents aren’t the only ties that influence your life and place you in the structure of the universe. As you know, you are energetically connected to the entire planet and all its living and dead beings. This is the natural order of the world. If it is disturbed, a state of dysfunction is created, that is, imbalance and harmony. So, you need to restore it to feel good again and find your place completely.

So, you are defined by relationships and interactions between persons and groups within the entire earthly collectivity. They are sustained by forces and influences.

Of course, these relationships and influences have different intensity and power, and therefore a greater or lesser impact on your life. They are also of a different nature; they can be conscious and unconscious.

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The basic system that illustrates the totality of these relationships is the family.

That is, the system within which you relate to other group members by blood ties (anchoring in the physical dimension), but also by unconscious energy relations (connection with the Source). In this way, you also genetically inherit the beliefs of your ancestors.

However, the power of your family’s influence is much greater than you think. And the family system extends far beyond those who are in direct interaction with each other. It includes not only the living, but also the dead, and sometimes also unrelated people. What happens in the family on an open plan, i.e. who feels connected with whom, or who is with whom, has little to do with what actually works in the family.

The essence of the family system is primarily unconscious and hidden connections.

Such bonds are created regardless of mutual behavior, attitudes, emotions, or expectations of family members. One cannot leave the family system or change it to another. It is also irrelevant whether you have contact with family members or live alone. Whether you are young or old. The family always stays with us and influences our fate.

These unconscious ties can be studied using a psychological technique called representation. It is based on an agreement between two people that one of them will be the parent of the other for a moment, e.g. a mother. Then this situation will reflect the true relationship between that person and their mother. This means that you will simply follow the impulses that appear in you in relation to your mother spontaneously. The representative does not play the role imposed on them or follow their own projection. It works by unconsciously connecting with the Akashic Records, the so-called field for this technique.

This technique is the backbone of systematic constellations, a therapeutic method developed by Bert Hellinger.

He found that certain characteristic feelings and reactions of representatives are the same regardless of culture, upbringing, or part of the world. And when he proposed a certain behavior to them, e.g. a step towards a representative or bowing down, they always brought the same results.

The family system of every human being includes not only their parents and siblings (step-by-step, deceased, dead, or put up for adoption), but also step-siblings of step-parents, deceased, dead, or put up for adoption) and grandparents (and sometimes also some of their siblings).

Apart from them, this system of interactions includes all those who were once in this system, but have made room for others (ex-wives, husbands, fiancées, fiancées, partners, and partners, especially if they have been hurt or abandoned). And also, all those who acted for the good of this system, but some harm was done to them, and those who harmed the system obtained some benefits. It also includes killers and their victims, and sometimes even participants in bloody war events. All these people have an influence on a given person.

Your reference number in the family clan determines with which ancestors (grandparents, aunts, uncles) you are related. You are all your family. Nothing is your personal concern as they concern your whole family. When one family member decides to take psychotherapy, suddenly the whole family changes and begins to evolve. When you wake up, your family awakens.

All people who are part of one system are influenced by specific factors shaping interpersonal relationships, the so-called orders of love. They were discovered by Bert Helinger through observation of the behavior and feelings of the representatives. Belong to them:

The right to belong

It consists in the fact that no one can be excluded from the family system with impunity, everyone who has ever belonged to it has the right to continue to belong to it. An exclusion means ignoring someone, disrespecting someone, denying their importance, concealing their existence, or demonizing or idealizing someone. And not accepting someone else’s death. This type of exclusion of someone has consequences for other members of the system. Someone else from this arrangement will have to take over the function of the excluded.


It is the kind of primal love, faithfulness, and loyalty that exists between all members of the family. It causes that what happens to one member of the family is not indifferent to the others.

System hierarchy

It’s a one-way flow from older (earlier in the system) giving to younger taking (later). Heritage flow direction. This is how traumas, loads flow, but also strength and energy. Hierarchy means that older family members always take precedence over those who joined the family later. This means that they inherit certain things from their predecessors and do not create them themselves, they receive, for example, the gift of life from their parents without giving them an opportunity.

This order applies to everyone in the family and should not be broken. What often happens when, for example, parents feel that they are learning from their own things, or when they allow their child to support them, or by trying to make friends with them. The parent always charges their child with this behavior. Also, older siblings always have a stronger influence on you than younger siblings, no matter what your contacts or feelings really look like.

The principle of alignment

It is about keeping the system in balance. Automatic equalization of everything that is given and taken in the family system or done within this system. When you receive something, you immediately have a reflex to give it back. When someone hurts you, you want to take revenge. This principle has a great influence on the well-being of those involved. For example, the person still feels free, and the one who takes is blamed and feels worse. When they gives too much, they feels that they is owed something. And when they gives away too little or nothing, they feels obligated and guilty. But when they gives the same amount, they feels free and frees themselves from all obligations.

When any of these factors is disturbed, dysfunction of the system occurs, which affects the fate of the entire system, but also the personal life of each of its members.

Examples of such disorders may be, for example, having siblings from the so-called illegitimacy, early death of a family member, death of a child, abortion. And, the exclusion of someone from the family circle. Or the particularly difficult fate of a family member, perinatal complications, and even early separation from parents.

The best-known pathogen of the system is entanglement, i.e. unconscious identification with an older (earlier) family member.

This means that you are related to the person without even knowing it. So, you subconsciously follow them, imitating them in some aspect and wanting to share their fate. You can do this by following elements of their life path or by expressing their personality traits. Other pathogens also include exclusion, disturbance of the hierarchy, or interrupted current of primal love, i.e. a kind of internal separation of the child from the parent. This separation may be due to their emotional or physical inaccessibility.

This imbalance in the system also affects your subconscious beliefs.

This balance can be restored during a family setting session with a therapist who first finds the root of the problem, that is, makes a diagnosis, and then shows a solution.

To make a diagnosis, representatives are used who show specific sensations in the body, attitudes, emotions towards other family members, or moods.

Such settings can be made in groups or individually. You can also use figurines representing a given family member

Restoring balance in the family system involves taking one of the following tasks:

  • Inclusion of the excluded (e.g. an aborted child)
  • Revealing a relationship (e.g. with another biological father)
  • Respecting relationships (e.g. towards a hated parent)
  • Introducing a hierarchy (e.g. between siblings)
  • Giving someone else’s responsibility or accepting your own responsibility (e.g. resigning from the need to “save” a parent)
  • A good alignment
  • Adopting male or female identification
  • Internal parental reception,
  • Respecting your previous partner
  • Leaving a child in the system who lost biological parents (by putting them up for adoption)
  • Respecting adoptive parents

Any method of working with the subconscious mind will also help you regulate the mutual relationship in the system. If you want, you can try intuitive therapy with me by clicking on the link below and arranging a session. So, you are not a lonely island in the ocean of the Universe. You are its droplet located in a specific place in its structure by means of a strong bond connecting you with the other drops.

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Would you like to heal your deep emotional wounds and wounds of your soul? Balance male and female energy? Do you have somatic diseases that the doctor cannot deal with? Would you like to change some of your beliefs, and you don’t know how? I can help you!


Damian Janus „Ustawienia systemowe Berta Hellingera. Przełom w psychoterapii i wiedzy o człowieku.” Virgo, 2018.

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The family and its influence on you. The family and its influence on you.

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